Quality Time
Cindy Baker – Everybody always talks about the importance of spending time with your spouse in order to strengthen your marriage. You don’t want to just live separate lives then be roommates only. Yes, we all know spending time together is important, but is that time well spent? There has been a great deal already written about helpful tips on ways to spend quality time together and how doing so can help couples strengthen their marriage, find new common interests and keep the relationship fresh and interesting. When my husband and I were dating I got him interested in trail running. I’m still not sure if he actually liked the running or just liked looking at my butt, but either way it provided a great opportunity for conversation to get to know each other. Meeting each other’s friends and making new friends together, trying something new together and making time for regular date nights are just a few ways couples can grow closer in their relationship. I mean let’s face it, life is busy – sometimes even crazy busy – and sometimes the stuff of everyday life can crowd out any room for intimacy (and not just the bedroom kind).
But there’s another, often-overlooked activity that some couples report has done wonders for their relationship: community service together. In fact, my husband and I met while serving the homeless together at the Memphis Union Mission. He was there with his older daughter, because her church singles group was serving there and he wanted to spend time with her. I had friends at that same church and was there with them. I had learned that when I served other people I was happier and less focused on myself. I always joke that I met my husband at the homeless shelter, cleaned him up, and took him home.
Why does serving others together strengthen marriages? Well, for one, it often combines all of the things mentioned above. Activities like volunteering at a soup kitchen, handing out water at a road race, getting involved with Habitat for Humanity, participating in a clean-up project or other types of community or church service projects are great ways to meet new people while spending time together. You might even learn a new skill along the way. If you help build houses together, for example, you might know how to make a repair around your own house one day when that knowledge is needed. More money left over for date night!
Many studies have shown that volunteer work promotes happiness for all people, whether they’ve involved in a relationship or not. And hey, you might even meet an awesome like-minded spouse like I did! It relieves stress, keeps you from obsessing about your own problems and helps you see life through other’s eyes. Many regular volunteers report that it has increased their overall life satisfaction. I mean, at the end of my life I’d like to look back and feel like I did something that mattered – that I made a positive difference in the lives of others. For me it needs to be something more significant than doing paperwork, reaching deadlines, attending meetings, or cleaning the house. Volunteers have looked outside their own lives to help someone else who really needs it, even if only in a small way, while learning more about themselves and the world around them. Watching my husband pour his life into others has also given me a greater admiration and appreciation for him.
I am not saying that you should go volunteer as a way to meet your own needs, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling better about yourself while helping others. I started volunteering at the homeless shelter as a way to avoid feeling sorry for myself while nursing the wounds of a betrayal and the end of a romantic relationship, and look what happened! When it comes back around to relationships, feeling better about yourself and gaining a new sense of confidence in your ability to be of service is probably going to make you a more appealing person for your partner to be around. My husband tells me that one of the biggest things that made me attractive was that I was serving others. The annoying phrase we keep hearing on those silly reality shows “getting out of my head” actually has merit. When you serve others you develop empathy and compassion and become more selfless, all of which can make you a better marriage partner. Actually, anything that puts you in a better mood is bound to improve your relationships.
Benefits of Serving Together
When you do acts of service together, your experiences volunteering give you something new to talk about together, which is always a good thing if you find yourself always having the same conversations about work, dinner plans, money, and an endless To Do List—all of which will seem less important anyway when you’re thinking more about helping people in need rather than your own problems. A volunteer or community or church service project can reinforce the values you share while creating new memories together. It can also remind you of some of the common interests that might have brought you together in the first place, whether it’s a love of music, an appreciation of nature, a passion for helping children, a love of animals or maybe the satisfaction of working with your hands.
Keep trying different things until you find just the right fit for your goals, lifestyle and schedule. There are always going to be people who need your help, and trying different volunteer projects together until you find the right match can be a bonding experience in and of itself. If you have children, consider involving them, too. I remember one race I used to run every year I would see this same family with parents and their three kids always handing out water together at one of the water stops. This can be one of the best ways to teach your children the importance of helping others in need. Modeling service can make lifelong volunteers out of people who start young. With so many benefits of service work, why not go sign up to volunteer today?
